First of all, let me tell you I am a born again believer, above all else I am a follwer of Christ Jesus. I am sharing my testimony and struggles only in hopes that my words might encourage someone.

I grew up in an abusive situation. I can't even begin to tell you how many people sexually abused me as a child, I lost count. Please don't jump to the conclusion it wasn't my father. However, some of his friends took sexual advantage of me.

In Second grade I was seen by a school pyschiatrist. I was verbally abused as a child, and I feel at times neglected by my parents. A large portion of my childhood I spent living with my maternal grandparents.

At the age of 17 I ran away from home and became an alcoholic and drug abuser. Before I was 21, I had two children and was working on my second divorce. In 1979 or 1980 I lost custody of my children for a number of years, which only drove me further into my illness and my addictions. I have been married to my current husband since 1991.

I have been hospitalized for mental illness at least fifteen times. For drugs and alcoholism at least eight times. All hospitalizations were between 1978-2006. I have suffered with mental illness most of my life, though only recently diagnosed with Bi-Polar, Schizo-Affective Disorder. Some of the reason for the mis-diagnosis was my drug and alcohol abuse, some was because it is harder to diagnose Bi-Polar disorder, because there are symptoms of other mental illnesses involved.

I have been seriously suicidal many times. In 1989, I had a serious and determined plan to commit suicide. God had a different idea for me. In February of 1989, God clearly and unmistakeably spoke to my heart and I turned to Him in repentance. I can not begin to tell you the joy I felt having my sins removed by the blood of Jesus that night. It felt as if a heavy weight had been lifted and I could finally breath.

Even after my salvation experience, I still struggled with depression alternating with extreme grandiosity and energy. People in the church world would tell me to just pray and trust God, that I was in sin and that God had given me a sound mind. They didn't understand mental illness, nor did I truly. Finally, in 1998, after many hospitalizations, I was properly diagnosed and placed on a medication regime, along with counseling therapy. My Doctor had to try several medications before we found the correct combination to stablize me. I underwent and endured a year of ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy), which I fear has damaged my memory, though they say it doesn't do that. Both my short term and long term memory have been effected adversely.

When I am in a depressive state, I can't get out of my own way. I simply cease to function. When I am in a mania, (mine are hypo-mania now with the medications) I become irratic, irritable, I spend money like I am a rich woman, (and I am not), I drive suicidally, and at times have become suicidal. I have hallucinations, which are controlled by medication at the moment.

I came to a place when I felt that the people of the church must be right, I couldn't be saved and have this mental illness. So, I began my journey in 1999, seeking God to find out for myself if I still had Him in my life. My illness has caused me to draw closer to God, to be more intimate with Him. Oh I struggled with guilt that I didn't seem to have the faith to trust God for a total healing. I tried stopping my medications only to end up hospitalized again. Yes, I have a mental illness, which is a chemical imbalance in my brain; and yes, I have to learn to live with it. Yes, I am a Christian and I have a personal relationship with God, the Creator of the Universe. So can you.

I was encouraged by an encouragement group I belong to and my best friend to write a book of devotionals, "Eclipse to Sunrise", about my illness and how I see God in my everyday life and situations. Oh the church still thinks I should have more faith, stop my medications and simply trust God. What they don't know is that I do have faith, I do trust God. I believe, though I am not putting myself on the same scale as the Apostle Paul, that this could just be the throne in my flesh to keep me humble, and reliant upon Him.

Please look at the page under mental illness for symptoms of Bi-Polar and Schizo-Affective Disorder. I will be adding other material on mental illness to that page as I get the symptoms and resources. Also check the help links for additional sites help. If you would like to be encouraged on a daily basis, please consider ordering my books "Eclipse to Sunrise" and "Moments of Contemplation".

It is my desire to tell of the goodness of Jesus and the freedom that is possible through His shed blood. People need the Lord and I want to be one to tell them that He is waiting patiently to receive them and to heal them from sin and from bondage's in their lives.

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